Wednesday, November 3

I'm Listening.

I’m watching Kerry’s car drive to Faneuil Hall to make his concession speech. I’m stunned. I don’t understand how he could have lost. I don’t even understand how it could be close.

My country has spoken. I’m trying to understand what they’re saying. There are people in Rhys’ family who voted for Bush. I am trying to find a way to understand what this country is saying to me, to its other citizens, and to the world. This is what I am hearing.

My country is saying that my family should be marginalized. That not only should we not have an equal right to marriage, but that we should be stripped of our rights to create legal contracts to protect our families and partnerships.

My country is saying that they want to “stay the course” in Iraq, despite our precious children coming home in body bags, despite 100,000 (that’s ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND) civilian deaths that would otherwise have not happened.

My country is saying that a supreme court that will overturn Roe v. Wade is a-okay with them.

My country is saying that a huge deficit, bankrupting our children’s future, is a small price to pay for miniscule tax cuts for the middle class and huge tax cuts for the wealthy.

My country is saying more John Ashcroft, more Halliburton, more aggression toward the middle east, more hatred of gays and poor people and people of color.

I am listening so hard to hear a voice of hope. A way I can live with this country and say proudly, “this is my home, these are my people.” I can’t find it. I do feel that with underequipped urban precincts, with dumped democratic registrations, with Sinclair and lies, and wedge issues, that the other side did not play fair. But none of that should have mattered. It should not have even been close. The wedges shouldn’t have worked because hatred of me and my family should not have motivated people. But it did.

Rhys works for an international firm, and her project is being adopted by Canada this year. If she volunteers, maybe does some moving and shaking, we could probably be transferred to Canada, probably Ottawa, next year. My grant is ending; I can work from anywhere. I know a lot of Democrats are talking about moving to Canada, but it’s a real possibility for us. Maybe now is the time. I told Rhys yesterday that if we lost, she should give me two weeks before she starts taking me seriously about moving to Canada.

Everyone has to live on this planet, and the US will be even more of a hegemonic power, and moving to Canada won’t change that. But right now, it feels like it might be the right choice.

The speeches are starting. I hope he can give me some hope.


Suzanne said...

i can only offer you my hugs and my thoughts and my activists promise...that is, because i live the life of a full-time activist, i promise i will fight for your rights and your freedoms as a queer american woman every way i possibly can, every time i can, every chance i get, no matter what. i promise to fight so you can raise your family and not have to devote 100% of your time to a cause.

i feel your fear. as a young queer woman, i feel the walls closing in, too.

i'm scared, but i'm here.

knit on. <3

(and on re-reading that, it seems creepy. i'm really really sorry if it comes off as creepy. i'm from the r.a.o.k. ring, i read you a good bit, and i just have a heart for you, i guess. i don't know. but i'm sorry if i come across as creepy.)

Anonymous said...

I am shocked and appalled.So sorry for everyone in the U.S. Well,for all of us really.

Emma,in the U.K.

Anonymous said...

I'm feeling the pain myself today. I'm sorry for you, for me, for our children.


alice said...

before the election, i honestly i couldnt say i knew ANYONE who was going to be voting for bush. now, i'm hearing all sorts of people in my close circle (my grandmother, my best friend's brother) who voted bush. i think now that he's WON they're much less reticent about voicing their support. but i think that illusion is part of what gave me such false hope, and why this defeat feels so soul-crushing.
i have several queer friends who are absolutely in despair at their future in this country. two, in greenfield in particular, are actually looking into europe very seriously. i'd hate to see them go, but i want them to be happy, and a real family.

purlewe said...

You wrote that so eloquently.. while I still don't have any words. I'm still so freaked out about all this, and about how we are so divided.. and how people are still mad at each other for voting... even if they didn't vote for my guy (and unless eople are lying to me, i don't have anyone in my circle who did vote for bush... but then I *am* on the east coast) I was really frightened that if it didn't go our way that there would be civil unrest. Last nite there was a big protest here. I didn't find out about it until it was too late, but I worry for us. I worry for us all.

Anonymous said...

I'm also still recovering. A big hug to you and yours! And even though I live in a blue state, remember that half the folks in the red states are with you as well! This fight ain't over!


Anonymous said...

Mamacate, I'm with you sister. I've been in a fog all week. Do me a favor? Knit a poncho and pretend I'm hugging you. We'll get through this somehow.


Impetua said...

How funny, we too talk about moving to Ottawa. Though in light of recent family events I am not keen on being so far from my loved ones.