I'm Listening.

I’m watching Kerry’s car drive to Faneuil Hall to make his concession speech. I’m stunned. I don’t understand how he could have lost. I don’t even understand how it could be close.

My country has spoken. I’m trying to understand what they’re saying. There are people in Rhys’ family who voted for Bush. I am trying to find a way to understand what this country is saying to me, to its other citizens, and to the world. This is what I am hearing.

My country is saying that my family should be marginalized. That not only should we not have an equal right to marriage, but that we should be stripped of our rights to create legal contracts to protect our families and partnerships.

My country is saying that they want to “stay the course” in Iraq, despite our precious children coming home in body bags, despite 100,000 (that’s ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND) civilian deaths that would otherwise have not happened.

My country is saying that a supreme court that will overturn Roe v. Wade is a-okay with them.

My country is saying that a huge deficit, bankrupting our children’s future, is a small price to pay for miniscule tax cuts for the middle class and huge tax cuts for the wealthy.

My country is saying more John Ashcroft, more Halliburton, more aggression toward the middle east, more hatred of gays and poor people and people of color.

I am listening so hard to hear a voice of hope. A way I can live with this country and say proudly, “this is my home, these are my people.” I can’t find it. I do feel that with underequipped urban precincts, with dumped democratic registrations, with Sinclair and lies, and wedge issues, that the other side did not play fair. But none of that should have mattered. It should not have even been close. The wedges shouldn’t have worked because hatred of me and my family should not have motivated people. But it did.

Rhys works for an international firm, and her project is being adopted by Canada this year. If she volunteers, maybe does some moving and shaking, we could probably be transferred to Canada, probably Ottawa, next year. My grant is ending; I can work from anywhere. I know a lot of Democrats are talking about moving to Canada, but it’s a real possibility for us. Maybe now is the time. I told Rhys yesterday that if we lost, she should give me two weeks before she starts taking me seriously about moving to Canada.

Everyone has to live on this planet, and the US will be even more of a hegemonic power, and moving to Canada won’t change that. But right now, it feels like it might be the right choice.

The speeches are starting. I hope he can give me some hope.